Humm….meat 80/20…I like it…straight forward….I’ll take it…

“Hum, economy must be bad, even rich people are coming here now…” Construction dude in the ratty tee shirt says as he glides his cart full of no name products past me.

I snickered and looked around for the coach toting, Lexus driving stay at homer…um…hum, that’s weird….there was no one else in the aisle..

Wait, was he was talking about me?????

I am in love with the poor mans Walmart, and like when I get a full fat latte after running on a Saturday, I’m not apologizing.

I am so tired of having to take out a home equity to fill up my cart, and yes, I have tried coupon clipping. But that took hours to clip them, match them up to what I need, correlate with which store has a sale, and literally 3 hours and 3 trips to 3 different stores. I came home 56 richer but about 6 times pissier with a whole Saturday afternoon shot…..

So off to Aldi I go.

I know this seems counterintuitive to my #5 “learn more about food” on my bucket list, but since the rest of my crew’s food vocab is plain, regular and “why does this have fruit in it I’m not eating it!” buying stuff for them doesn’t apply here.

Yeah, you have to put a quarter to get a cart loose and bring your own bags…and my kids love to make fun of the names of the products… “Look E, mom bought Casa Mamita salsa!” said K with a Groucho Marx accent….but honestly I have been comparing ingredients and seriously I can’t imagine that smushed up pig parts in these hot dogs are worse then those in the big name stores.

So, $44 for a cart ¾ full…. I’m on it…

And dude, if you think I’m rich, you apparently don’t get out much around here….Go check out Wegman’s to see how the other half really lives….

Skydive, swim with dolphins or run with the bulls??…um…nope, Im good….

Hummm….soo…what to do now? The mudder is complete, and my girls trip is over and 40 is in full swing. I’ve spent these past few months fussing about all of the above, so I thought I would revisit the ole bucket list.

That is, if I didn’t delete it….

Ok, no problem , I’ll just check out some others around here and well, totally steal their ideas get inspiration…..

A lot of people refer to the popular book, 101 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE, to start their list. Funny, most of the things on there, I really have no desire to do. Ok, does that mean I am one foot in the grave super lame or just know deep down in my heart I’m never going to join the mile high club…(first of all it would have to be a private jet cause no pilot is going to walk in on this business, and not plunking down that kind of $$$$$$…top floor of hotel works for me and they have continental breakfast!!!)

So, no to ride the worlds biggest roller coaster (I will be the one person that falls out, those bars are way too loose!!!) and conquer my fear of water?… never going to happen..(sharks don’t care if I am blissfully splashing around in knee-deep turquoise water, they will eat me… I am convinced the latest swarm in Florida was due the fact they were misinformed that I was going to Key West for my Bday….) So here is the first five of my lite version of a bucket list. Being that I hate anyone telling me what to do, just the existance of a to do list makes my skin crawl…but they are doable in the next few years, all while I’m knee-deep in college debt and boxed in a cubicle……so things like seeing the 7 wonders of the world? Um, that will probably cost me half of said tuition bill….Yeah, that will have to wait…..

1) Be a bad ass runner – if the mudder has taught me one important thing, it is that I have the ability to push myself way, way beyond what I think I can do. I will run daily, and I will someday, catch up to, if just for a brief ¼ mile, to my gazelle like running friends.

2) Sell all my unneeded crap. My house is overflowing with stuff. I love, love shows like storage wars, etc and since K and I spend many Sundays at the local flea market, I’m in my zone. I will use said profits to help pay off a credit card…I swear….unless that patio set goes on sale at Restoration Hardware, then all bets are off.

3) Get tickets to Saturday Night Live – this is E’s one thing he would love to do, I and I would love to be the one to be there with him…..

4) Learn more about food. Real food, the kind that doesn’t come in a to go container. I have noticed that in my quest to be thin and fit, fresh really does taste, well good, and my stomach is sooo much better for it. So my first step is weeding out dairy and finding healthier substitutes….well, I’ll have to work in a good cheese once a week, only once…..

5) Be a better friend and daughter. They don’t call me princess for nothing. I have sharing issues (ask my friend S and the enery gu incident I will never live down, that happened at the mudder… I shoved it in my face while our other friend was holding her’s while we were dead tired running up the mountian mile 8, I didn’t even think to offer…I blow…) I forget birthdays and I don’t send thank yous. I might have to grit my teeth and push down my inner bitch, but I will sincerely make efforts to put others first.

Lame? Maybe…..Real? Definitely…..Ive got plenty of time see Manchu Pechu when the crew is on their own, and frankly I think karaoke is annoying (back inner B, back!!!!)… so….its a start…..again…….

“Kiss my Grits!” “Wait, nevermind, give those back, they are amazing!!”

Grits..with cheese…pair that with Eggs Benedict with creamed spinach, artichokes and bloody mary overflowing with schmutz…picked okra, olives and a huge celery stick..

Oh Savannah…..If I could marry you I would be waiting breathlessly in Johnson square, in a honeysuckle filled breeze, with Savannah Dan as our officiant….

What a great time our girls trip was to Savannah, here are some of the highlights.

*The Squares – the historic part of the city is set up in a grid, with these beautiful mini parks you have to drive around dotting the inside…like a Jersey loop…only so, not….think huge live oaks, park benches and chirping birds…ahhhhh….Im working on trying to convince our homeowners association to add this to our cul de sac….and homes on the square….with the ivy and ironwork…Im thinking its going to be tough to get M to cave to a gas light post in the front but I will try….

*You let us walk around… with alcohol….coming from a state that has strict open container laws, we are aghast when our wonderful tour guide not only told us we can bring a cocktail along, but encouraged us to stop at a bar and get one along the way….( I swear I did not Whoot-Whoot in typical cougar style…..but it was in my head…) and for a group of 8 women away from their husbands and kids for 4 days, this was like going to Disneyworld ….

*You do everything….real, real, slow….I have to say this annoyed the shit out of this “used to having everyone drive up my ass Yankee” on the way out of the airport, (I was Dale Junioring it around some hoop-dee pickups, till I remembered what people told me about Southern Police officers….that they make my mean grade school nun principal look like a chump – but I have to say I started to get used to the long, lounging lunches, just sitting in a park bench in the quiet, (which is scarce in the North, we love our noise…) and not having people constantly trying to push past me/run over me….(they wait for you to cross the street at the crosswalks for God sake!)

Your food…..(see above)…was just a taste of what we had, from cheese plates to martini marinated beef tips to huge ice cream Sundaes at Leopolds…..lets just say its going to take a week and a lot of Kashi to get us all normal, but it was soooo worth it! I saw a group of Southern ladies come in from a Susan G Koman 5K at like 10 AM at a restaurant/bar on River Street…and all order Bloody Mary’s….I teared up, I swear, you people know how to live!!!!

We didn’t get to see it all, so I will be back….maybe I can entince M to go with me with a trip to Fort Pulaski and a day at Tybee with all you can eat Crabs…..

Oh, I only have one two complaints….seriously, what is up with your Ninja mosquitos? Never saw an insect and came home covered in bites where the sun hasn’t seen since August ….sneaky buggers…and you have got to put back the Forest Gump bench for us movie lovers!!….

Thanks Ya’ll, we will be back!!!!!

“Your mother called, she said you were weak” Sign on the PA tough mudder course, 2011

The icy water hits me in the chest like a punch. I steel my nerves as best I can, and duck under the wooden board, fully submerging myself in the 39 degree pond.

As I struggle to pull myself from under the frigid water to the surface, for a second, it feels as though my heart has stopped…and I think… this, is what it must feel like to be dead…..

But I lived…..

And finished the PA tough mudder race in 4 hours, 16 minutes.

The story of the birth of my daughter is a story I and friends alike have told as a cautionary tale to the expectant mother who better know way before the trip to the hospital about their level of pain tolerance…long story short…no drugs, a too quick transistion to full dialation and a nurse practically on top of me telling me to “calm down” while others outside my room send shuffling wide eyed fellow moms-to-be away from the sounds of me screaming bloody murder….let’s just say I have a history of being a drama queen when its comes to any kind of pain or discomfort.

Now put said chick above outside, in 50 degree weather, where she is to run 11 miles up and down an ankle twisting ski slope, belly crawl thru tunnels of mud and stones, climb 12 foot walls that caused a few broken ankles, and water that sent more than a few partipatants to the hospital for hypothermia…have her do this next to real athletes, 20 pounds lighter and 20 years her junior….2 days past her 40th birthday.

Yes, I finished. I still can’t believe I finished. It was the hardest thing Ive done in my life. I wasn’t able to do all the obstacles (the monkey bars were a no go as well as the walk the plank with a 50 yard swim, shit… Im not that crazy..(see broken ankles/hypothermia above).. I knew I had my crew waiting at the top and we all finished together. I think I had a very small glimpse of what it must be like to be part of something big, like soldiers who bond together in war time and people who have survived big hardships. Its not strength or courage that got me through it, it was simply people who reached out their hands and pulled me up and pushed me forward and waited for me to join them to the end.

What an amazing journey this has been…..thanks to my girls…..you have reminded me that many things are possible with the power of friendship…..

Now if I could just stop falling over from random charlie horses and get the mud scubbed out from my skin….its going to take a lot longer for my body to agree with my heart….

Off to down more ADVIL and wash my mudder shirt to wear proudly….everytime I work out….:)

Congrats to all Tough Mudders from this week, you rocked it!!!!!!!!

Move, you stupid hooker! I mean that in the nicest, most motivating way…….

I have my last meal scheduled. My bag is packed. When I nervously tell strangers what’s going to happen, I either get a look of “well, you asked for it” or a “I’ll be thinking of you, “ while they walk away circling their finger next to their head. I woke up this morning at 5 AM after a dream of being stuck in small tunnel with no way out…

The PA tough mudder race…..is in 3 days, 21 hrs, 10 minutes and 32 seconds

We’ve got our shirts blinged out with our nicknames – me “Ivanka” aka princess of the group… go figure….gaterade prime? Check….ankle tape? Check? Body glide…better check…cause I have a funny feeling there is going to be a lot of mud everywhere….especially where the sun don’t shine….

I can say I haven’t been nervous like this for a long time…flying? No worries….people yelling at me on the phone at work…all in a days work here, whatever….the only thing I can compare it to would be like how I felt watching the movie Haunting in Connecticut…I just want to cover my eyes and curl in ball instead of facing what was going to pop out next….

I guess I have to remember I am ready as I’ll ever be…..months of running and cold weather training….we did it all…and since this race is all about camaraderie and team effort…I think Im good…..as I know I will have my fellow teammates to push me along…Im thinking literally….

I have to say it has help me find a resolve I thought I didn’t even have. I run 7 miles. I run when its raining. I say ok to 12% grade hill runs. I am a part of a group that has motivated each other (not always in a nice way, we have found our inner bitches all right – see title above 😛 ) not to quit or stop. At 2 days short of 40….lets do this…..

So to all my teammates, lets go you stupid hookers…there is no in lu of on Sunday! Bring it!!!

“Da, nah,nah, nah,nah,nah….you say its your Birthday”…um, good for you….next?

“Is it your birthday month?”

“No… but next month is….”

“Well bring this in next month for 20% off your entire purchase….”

“Great, anything extra if Im turning 40?”

(Chick at the counter of the store glances at me above her ½ glasses with a slight, not so amused half smile)… “nope”

I have no idea why Im telling everyone I come in contact with I am turning 40 next week. Its not like Im going to get the reaction my niece did when she annouced to everyone, everytime they saw her for like 2 months beforehand, she was going to be 3 and it was an Ariel party..everyone responding with, “ Oh my goodness, that’s so exciting! I can’t believe you are going to be 3!”

I get a “nope”…..

Am I feeling, I don’t know, finally affected by the fact that it is really here?? I thought I was fine with this….

I mean really, everytime I go to get a card, I’m affronted with the reminder of it when I see the partyware section….all the stuff for 40 year olds starts with “over the hill” or “old fart”…. even Hallmark thinks its ok to make fun of you about it ……(Id like to see them do that to 70 year olds..”Hey one foot in the grave…hahaha…yeah, don’t think Grandma would be amused..)…the total opposite of say, being able to wear a mermaid tail at your shindig like my niece, everyone congratulating you on getting one year older, and have bright copious sea foam colored wrapped gifts, no “old” writing on it, anywhere in sight…

For my big 21st I was still reeling from finding out I was expecting..(my roomates had to cancel the keg party for me and instead were helping me find pregnancy books….) At 30, M surprised me with a really nice weekend at a bed and breakfast in Gettysburg and I just enjoyed it…and since I was full time mom mode, it didn’t really matter much that I was no longer in my 20s, so that one just sailed by….but 40….what does that mean to me now?

I had this big bucket list…(which is overrated actually, as when it came down to it, I only really did what I wanted to do anyway…) and now realize that there doesn’t have to be a time limit on doing what you want to do, especially now that my life is now shifting this decade to, possibly at the end of it, very well being one of an empty nester…its kind of going in the opposite direction there to….from full of responsibilities to others to well….maybe just being responsible for the happiness of me.

I have to say I have learned to appreciate things a lot more this year, just last nite I thought to myself how really nice it was to be able to read a book in my nice comfy bed, with my amazing Benjamin pillow, my bedroom the way I like it,….kids either asleep (on their own) or doing their own thing….I guess I will celebrate a new decade of upcoming me time…

Over the hill, schmover the hill….this 40 thing ain’t looking so bad…

Oh and on a side note….I cut the hair and did the bright highlights….3 inches off…did the Jen Aniston new cut..and I love it….

Picture your audience naked: public speaking advice. Picture myself naked? : You know what, tofu is not so bad afterall…..

Ok, its time to bring out the big guns….its crunch time, go time, hit the water and swim like the Titanics sinking underneath your feet time. Seventeen days till I have to lug this body up steep, steep mud slicked hills, Twenty two until I have to be in capris and a tank top….

What better way to get a handle on how serious my weight/body mass situation is?

I went to face my nemisis, head on today. Walked right in and locked the door.

Hello, Target dressing room mirror, we meet again.

Apparently with the whole scale freak out yesterday, (and yes it was a full blow freakout, you should have seen the look the dog was giving me when I came downstairs…) I’m over the crying like my boyfriend just told me he needs some space, to down right pissed. Fine body, this is how you want to play it? Game on. So, like Intervention, I gave myself a reality check to get my head right. I stripped down in front of the three way.

It kind of went like this….

Big Sigh….Hair check, total flyaways, shit. Proceed to get out the lotion and multipurpose it as hair gel. Somewhat better… Check out roots, mental note to make hair appt as soon as I get back to work, Brittney black roots on blond don’t even look good on Brittney….look at long hair, hum not a sexy as I thought…Im might just Jen Aniston chop it after all….

Top off…what the hell….wondering how a body can look decent in some spots, oddly lumpy in others…Why can’t I just fatten up like Snooki? You know “the all over thickness sans rolls”…lord….

See if trying something new on helps. Slip grey tunic top over head, add black belt…not bad from front…but back, yeah, no go…kind of highlights the thinnest part of me (read: ribcage) and spotlights the biggest read: (my Kim K ass, seriously its my nickname by one of the girls in the other office), and so not in a good way, more like, “hey honey you really should have a backup light on that baby, wow..”

*Forget about trying on shirtdress after bummed by tunic, check out arms again…seriously, I can’t just be pale, I have to be red blotchy-ish pale? Get out lotion again, rub down arms to see if that helps…nope….

Dare to take off skirt….pray security guard is not monitoring current dressing room….mental note to forget about getting the spray tan before trip, ain’t no way this is going to stand in front of 19 year old rail thin tanning employee and be her next facebook post which starts… “ewwwww you would not believe what I had to do today…”

So, Ive got my mental picture in the place I know shows me in the worst light possible…fattest, palest and most flyaway….its the only way I will make the change is if I open my eyes completely and see what I really look like and make the decision to eat the cake or fit in the shorts, it can only be one or the other for now.

Its an ugly and painful method I am using to psych myself out, but effective apparently, I whizzed right past Starbucks on my way out…..I plan to conjure it up when I try to grab for the white bread or when my hand tries to steer me into the Wawa parking lot.

Im definitely ready for the 5:45 workout….Let the shrinking commence…..

“Um, hello 911? We need an officer in dressing room 4….yeah, some old chick just beaned another shopper with a stiletto for complaining that the size 2 she is trying on is too big…..”

I pace the room back and forth, shaking my head at the insult I was just subjected to.

“Seriously?” I push out the word through gritted teeth, “I mean, what is it going to take with you!” I get really close, finger pointed, poking at the offender. “One handful of fries? That is what this is all about?????

“I fucking HATE you.”

And with that, my stupid weight watcher scale gets a swift kick into the tile wall.

10 pounds.

That is all I have lost. In 3 months. Of working out harder than I ever have in my whole life. I workout, EVERY DAY. I run…..no less than 3 miles at a time. I swing kettlebells until my arm goes numb, I do hill runs until I think my legs are going to pop out of their sockets. And still you won’t move…..you asshole.

What makes it worse is I just heard someone say they lost 20 pounds….and they haven’t been working out…just watching their diet. How do you say, oh that’s great, when your toes now look like a hobbits from having runners foot and your scale keeps jumping back between the same one pound up and down? Damn you food, damn you to hell.

Cause Im hungry…..24 freakin 7

And no, I don’t want a stupid salad with baked chicken. That sucks. So does egg whites with no bread. I know what I have to eat to lose weight for my body type. Protein and very little carbs. I have tried so many times before to stick to that kind of diet, and I fail every time. Seriously, who wants to say no thanks at the birthday party when there are brownies…with icing…..or nah I can’t go out and have a great time cause alcohol blows me up like a tick. It makes me miserable to think of life without cereal.

So Im doing the low carb for today to get a goddamn jump on this weight thing….and its must be like what crack addicts feel when they are itching for a fix….all I can think about is bagels…..

This is going to be a long day….baby steps….

Tommorrow then Mr scale….just know if I don’t see some movement in the right direction….you’re going to be meeting the outside deck….via the second floor bathroom window….

Now where is my stupid sugar free gum……

Its 32..get in the car….

Chapstick, check…calves stretched out, check…2nd pee break in 10 minutes, check…

At the starting line of a 5k?…nope…just on my way out front of the casa to meet the pack for the 7 mile run…and Im still nervous…

Which makes no sense as this is week 3 of the big Sunday run with girls. I have done this 2 other times, why do I still feel panicky about how its going to go?

Im a runner, dammit….a runner that feels like Nick Nolte looked in his last mug shot hours after I run, but I am a runner. I run 4-5 days a week, 2 1/2-7 miles at a clip, and I can talk while doing it…that alone kicks ass in my book..

But every time I think about standing on that muddy hill for the race with swarms of “fresh out of marine bootcamp” look alikes, Im freaked out… I guess I still don’t feel like I belong there, that Im not a “real athlete”.

I’ve got the endurance part down, and can even do a few guy push-ups…we are talking me here! The one with the nicknames princess and slacker can hold a plank like no one’s business. I guess because I never was an athlete and here I am, at the tail end of 39, doing a race like this one…I have to remember that no one but me will know that…and I doubt anyone is going to give me a second glance, Im sure they will be fixated on how the hell they are going to jump off a plank into frigid water…

One good thing about that fear is it’s sending me out that front door. In the pouring rain and high winds, 19 degree temps, even with, yes, a slight hangover. No..wait…a big ass hangover, and I still did it!!! Maybe fear is a good thing, as its forcing me to do what I said I would do…oh, that and 3 of my fellow mudder training partners that would come in and physically drag me outside to go with them, like it or not….

Hum, now that I think about it, our group has not allowed each other to fail, we tell each other to suck it up (like when weeks ago it was so cold and I was bitching, they told me it was warmer than it was, and I needed to get just get in the car.. liars)…. and the good natured ribbing is well, kind of fun….am I actually understanding *gasp* why people like sports??!!!!

So I’ll count on my girls to help me keep it a bay…I’ll be wearing our “slogan” with pride..and some fake bravado….

“It’s 32 get in car”

What do spit, heavy breathing and major drawer creep up all have in common?

7 miles…..

Get your mind out of the gutter..

That is what we ran on Saturday…us, the group that was having trouble running 4 up hills ran 7 ….consecutive… miles….in windy ass weather. And freaking cold, again. (I swear if I complain about the heat this summer, you can find me and slap me….I’ll give you a free one.)

I love this part of working out. The “it will get easier” mantra you start out thinking is bullshit at the beginning, is real. Im so glad that we are at this point. I can run and not feel like someone is choking me out. That makes me happy, even though the weight is still only about 8 pounds in the minus column.

So if we have the running down, Im now starting to stress about the obstacle part of our race…that is in 54 days….I start to sweat even saying that….I need to do a dry run. But since there are no walls to climb around (without getting yanked down by a security guard) or mud bogs in the local playground, Im still really nervous. Oh, yeah, and those little things called “water features.” Um, its been under 38 for the past like 3 months….think water can warm up in 54 days?….Yeah Im thinking that’s a big no too…..

Im thinking I have to stop looking at the pictures of last years race…..it looks…scary still. Less than eight weeks. We need to buckle down and come up with some alternatives to mimic what we are going to be doing, maybe that will help me. Im thinking the pack is going to balk at jumping into the duck pond by the gym…maybe just cold showers first.

Just thinking that might start tomorrow…..its Valentines day right? I think I might just throw some love my own way but just chilling out tonite.

You so can’t throw away the chocolates your Dad got you right? That’s like my friend who wanted to get rid of a religious item she found in her house…I made her put it on a high shelf…bad juju throwing away either….and I need none of that…!!!