Security in aisle three..and again thank you for choosing Walmart

You would think for a compulsive shopper like me,  Black Friday would be as exciting as a trip to the Super Bowl with the Eagles playing for M (scratch that, unequal comparison, cause that would be like me going to Fuji staying in one of those huts chippy did on the bachelorette) ok… more like as exciting as  tailgating and good seats at the Eagles….but I have no desire to be anywhere near any big box store or mall come 4AM this November 26th.

Shopping is my hobby, my escape – it is something to be enjoyed.  Black Friday makes a mockery of my treasured past time.  I hate the crowds, the slow walking people in front of me and the idiots who bring their screaming toddlers (one day this irritation is going get me in a rumble in Walmart on a regular grocery trip… yeah, parent of the year, good job bringing  no nap  Johnny  past a billion toys he can’t have  while you slowly then browse the hair product section while he wails for 20 minutes while you ignore him…it takes everything I have not  to scream in your face….)

Christmas presents should be about the thought and I just can’t think in those horrible conditions.  So a small addendum to my bucket list is to think of truly thoughtful gifts for my crew instead of how big  the pile should be .  Isn’t that what it is supposed to be about anyway?  I would love to see a reaction like the one I felt a Christmas years ago… I think it was 1995, we were in our first house, money was tight but I opened a card with a gift certificate to a restaurant we couldn’t afford but I had mentioned with a sigh how someday I really wanted to go there  (yep, it was fancy and so pretty.)  It wasn’t that it was an expensive gift, it was that he knew how excited I would be for us to go there, together.  Driving up in our old beat up Honda and giving the keys to the valet was hilarious, and that night is still one of my fondest memories. I will be snug in bed at 4AM and at a reasonable time I will be up brainstorming what they would really like.  So wish me luck with my hunt for the perfect meaningful gift, and if you are going out into the bargain jungle on Friday, I don’t wish you anything, you are nuts 🙂

Cyber monday people, cyber monday!!!

But sir, she snuck up on me…IN MY OWWWWN DOJO!”….(Spongebob Squarepants, 1999)

She’s fighting me again today….and winning…Im talking about that lazy chick that lives in my head, the one who made me roll over this morning instead of throwing on sweats and going the basement to do a few sick kicks and prayer squats with Tony Horton.  God, she’s like  a mean girl to my quest for fitness.   I swear  I can feel her actually holding down my shoulders on the bed and whispering in my ear,” its our only work day morning to sleep in and catch Good Morning America jackass…you can do that later….”   She knows full well I won’t later and she could care less that means another week of sucking it  to clasp the top of one of  the only three pairs of work pants I fit in.

Im doing pretty well on # 14 Exercise every day for a month, I have only missed 3 these past 16 days and plan on making them up by doing double days (workout lunch and night) as my rules are at least a half hour of real exercise (cleaning the bathroom does not count) but Im still not super motivated….Im fine once Im working out but what the hell is my problem about just getting there to start?   I know I only have a few months till the big day and a freakin hard a** run in freezing cold water and mud, and still Im not weaning myself from the crack (read – junk food) and back to running 6 miles (Yes 6 MILES, I was doing that a mere two  ½ years ago…with ease!!!)  Sooo….Ive got to do some reverse psychology on myself….Ive always disliked it when someone tells me what to do so Im going to have give a big round house to lazy chick and remember if I don’t keep up with this, April will suck…time to bring out the big guns….the 08 bathing suit pic where I have a huge smile at the beach, arm around  a tan E and a semi six pack….is going on my monitor…..and in my car…and on the fridge….I just have to remember  I did it before and can do it again…..and lazy chick will have to settle for sleeping in on Sundays …..till I get up for church that is!!!! (#6  – go back to church sinner!)

(side note:  I did go home, at lunch, and do some kempo with Tony..namaste!!!)

Ummm..I just wanted to say I think your really cool, and I wish I could see you all the time…and.. “Im sorry, what?” oh, ok, nice cashier lady who carded me for my variety export six pack…I’ll move along..” Bye Wegmans!!! BYE!!!!!!!!!

“Check out chucks over there, she’s got that goofy grin on her face…” M and the kids are rolling their eyes and snickering (good naturedly of course) at me, but I’m perfectly fine with that.   I forget where we were when this familiar jab was sent my way, but you can bet it was somewhere fancy.  God, I love fancy and away and new…everything from the Ritz in Key Biscayne ( they hand you ice cold mint scented towels at the pool!) to…give me a moment to reminisce ..the grey marble tiled bathroom with antique fixtures and pillow menu of the Benjamin hotel in NYC ( I actually had a tear in my eye when I saw that potty..*big sigh*) to Wegmans grocery store, the Reading Terminal Market for those in the Suburbs, (they have 5 kinds of prosciutto for God’s sake!)

I love, love trips and shopping, its something I get really excited for.    But my family thinks a simple shopping trip with me is a nightmare (so they say, *sheesh*) as they have been on too many trips where a store’s elaborate window display has left them  on a bench in an endless wait for me to just browse, and they have as much interest in going to the spa as I do going to a football game (read-none).  That’s why Im sooo psyched for my annual girls weekend trip.  Its so nice to be with friends who not only understand me, (sure, they say, I would love to go on the Christmas house tour!) and when I say “hey, I’m going to look over here…” while shopping, not only do they not roll their eyes, but actually just give a absentminded over the shoulder wave because they are just as engrossed in their own browsing.   Add a ton of laughs, a few drinks..(ok..ok..lots of drinks) and good ole downtime with my girls, and you have a happier, rested me, which does nothing but benefit the fam when I get back…so it’s a win win for everyone!…well, maybe not after the trip to the casino…but, Im feeling betting on black, soooo…. aidos!

Texas toast from last nites dinner still in the toaster? check.. unfolded laundry in a leaning tower of piza-esque pile on the loveseat? check..trash stuffed down in the can to the point you need forceps and a midwife to birth it out without an all out putrid explosion? check…

Being the procrastinator that I am, I didn’t get started on my hitting 40 bucket list till well, there were only about 6 months left till that fateful date (thankfully, my job did not  have me in charge of preparations for Y2K, or we would be back to typewriters….) But while writing it, I kept avoiding #1.  #1 is the big deal on any list, the big cheese, the most important thing you have to do, (especially in an instruction manual I have found, which, if you have read any of my other posts ,you figured correct I don’t read and have had a few toys/snap together shelves come out a little hinky.)  I skipped right to # 2 and moved forward, too  much pressure #1!  Anyway, while driving home from my lunch hour at home today, it hit me….thinking about all the above for the billionth time, knowing full well I would be up late taking care of that, a trip to the craft store for K’s science project, fit in a run (it is day #9 of bucket list item # 14 exercise everyday for one whole month) and be earth conscious by making sure all recyclables are in the bin for the AM and not stuffed in the green bags the township makes us pay for ( oh, and to give a big screw you to the man, recycling is free!!!).

As I felt the stress making me start to grip the wheel, something in my head just said, “let it go, just do it, and move on”.  Usually thoughts like that would have my inner bitch screaming back “WHAT!!! SERIOUSLY, YOU WORK ALL DAY, YOU DESERVE THE HELP, HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WOMENS STUDIES CLASS TRAITOR!?.”  But strangely, she was quiet, (maybe she was still processing the awesome pate I picked up at Wegmans for lunch, and was caught off-guard).   But the more I just thought, ok, I’ll just get it done, and move on, the calmer I felt.  I guess I always felt doing things for everyone all the time in my house had to be a battle, that I was giving up somehow,but really, is stewing about all the time that helpful? After 18 years, I just have to face that most of the household responsibilties are going to be mine.  Besides, E does do his own laundry, K will go out and throw the ball with the flip flop eater unasked and poor M hasn’t been home enough lately due to his job to know if its day or night sometimes.   So, lets see if I can make #1 stick…at least for tonite anyway…..

Biggest fear? Heights? no…Public speaking?…nope, that’s on my like list…Waking up in an abandoned hospital, walking into the hallway where there is a half a body and no one else around, anywhere, to help me?…AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! That’s it!!!

I thought I liked to be scared….until I watched a new series on TV about Zombies and how the rest of us would have to live in a post apocalyptic world always looking over your shoulder for a walking pile of meat trying to eat ya.  Yeah.. I don’t need anymore reasons to be skittish…I already check the back seat (thanks dateline) and have my exits in focus in Arby’s (thanks being married to someone in law enforcement.)  But still….I can’t stop watching end of the world shows like the Colony and life after people.  I guess it makes me think, ok, if something huge happened to the world, would I be able to survive without someone else basically providing me with every thing I need ( grocery store/electricity/etc)  The answer is a cold, hard, no….oh boy, looks like Im a walking dead appetizer…..

So # 13 on my list is learn a practical skill.  Im screwed if the undead come, but there are plenty of real life scenarios that I don’t know how to handle.    I figure at the least it will save me some $ learning how do things I pay others to do, and it would be nice to be the one to pipe up some truly helpful information when someone else needed it and that info not just being the exact steps to make the perfect dirty martini.

So where do I go to learn something new that makes sense that I will actually use?  Lets face it, you will never see me changing the oil or taking apart the DVD player…but maybe I can find a class on basic car maintenance  for dummies, or buy a book of basic survival skills to add to the shelf of bottled water and spam in the basement  ( I love Bear Grills, and I will find him when the shit hits the fan and follow him like the disciples followed Jesus)..soooo….I’ll keep you updated on my new skill set…oh and as for some tips on the dead walkers, I got ya covered…  Head shot, people, head shot…and don’t forget the double tap….

Sooo..Im going to “burn at the stake?” Ummm…not sure how to respond to that, Sister….

Ahh…Sunday mornings…to me its all about the inside of my comforter fortress (my Benjamin pillow smooshed just so to drown out M’s snoring,  a downy blanket blocking out the teetering pile of laundry at the end of my bed) and that wonderful surprised realization of “oh its Sunday!!! I DON’T HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE!!! Zzzzzzz….”

What should I really be doing at 10:32 AM?  Getting everyone up for church….# 6 on the list – simply titled –  go back to church, sinner!!! – Im sad to say we have become the very people we used to glare at and comment about with rolled eyes during Christmas service with phrases like “seriously, there are never this many people each week, they should have to put their time in, damn twice a year Catholics!” and Im ashamed of myself (yeah, yeah, alert the media, princess rarely admits this).

 A 12 year veteran of the Catholic school system, I know my rosary, can tell you why the candles on the advent wreath are different colors, and know when to sit.stand.kneel without a prompt.  But being  the attention seeking spaz started in me started pretty early, (Yeah….I really did make my parents friends watch my “shows” when they came over to our house when they really just wanted to hang out and tip a few back at the basement bar…but I can still belt out an awesome rendition of “Love will Keep Us Together” sooo…..), and unfortunately,  that same tendency also caught the eye of my grade school principal ( a nun we called sister T…pity the fool whole crossed her massive path)  my last year in grade school.  I won’t go into detail but it involved my 7^th boyfriend and some shananigans in the blacktop “playground”…..She had a lot to say to me that day in her office,  (see title above)  and stared hard at me  during the choosing of the Mary card as to who would be the school’s May Queen when she said “And Mary will only pick who is worthy of this honor”.. and had way too big of a smile when it wasn’t me.  Yeah, so over the years I was a bit jaded but dutifully went with my parents if just to people watch. 

 But as I think back to the different events for family and friends, I do remember the beautiful ceremonies,  that goosebump feeling of watching two people make a commitment to each other on the alter, and a wonderful priest who reminded me in a sermon that its not just about you coming and what you get out of it, but giving your children the opportunity to find their own relationship with God, even if it takes awhile.

So I’ll be back Jesus…for my kids, for thanks for the miracles of every day, the reflection, and the hope of guidance on those many days when I think this world just sucks….and if you could spare it, maybe some forgiveness??…( I know, I know the list is long…but I’ve got to start somewhere ….;)