Now cha-cha….now samba..now you in the back…stop all of the above…..

Apparent Kate Gosslin and I have something in common.

We both have no rhythm.

Zumba classes are the hottest new thing in the workout world, and Im trying to add some extra cardio in to my workouts and Im getting bored with the treadmill and bike. I thought it would be fun to try it. So I drug myself out of bed early today, found the latin dance class on demand program on tv and pushed play.

I don’t know if I was half asleep, but whatever they were doing was just not registering with my feet. All my past cheerleading experience was not helping me here. No crisp moves or spirit fingers here, all quick step and sass.

What’s my problem? No one was there to see if fall over the space heater or do the running man in place…Just couldn’t loosen up.

But I will plod along….and take it as a challenge. But only by myself for now. Cause I think if I subject my girls to my moves they would have to bring an extra pair of drawers from wetting themselves in laughter at my sad display.

So bring it Manuel…..now was that one two three shake your ass, or one two, one two??

Im so sorry miss…we don’t give methadone for sugar withdrawals……

Its official, I have to give up my drugs…I can feel the anxiety like a wave of nausea….just like before jumping into deep water or just before I have to get my blood taken…

Turns out I am a fast oxidizer….and Im going to have to give up carbs.

(my fellow forever on a diet dieters are shaking your head in sympathy for me…thank you… the rest read on for an explanation….)

Broke down and bought Jillian’s new book, picked it out of the sea of diet workout books in Target today. I like her as she’s no bullshit. I know she is talking to me when she says (in much nicer words but you know she is really saying….) “you are fat cause you eat like an a-hole, stop it, and you will see a change…period.” So as soon as I saw the survey of what kind of metabolism I had I didn’t need to add up my letters to see how many a, b, or c’s I had…it was all C’s…..lover of fat and bread and everything processed = the crack in a plastic wrapper dieter. No bueno….

And she told me once I stop being a carb whore, (again my words) my efforts will finally start making a difference.

That is where the epic struggle begins.

I have tried the low cal diet and the scale has not moved…..one pound….and my workouts have been making me practically fall down the steps Im so sore. I swear to myself every winter I will come out in better shape by Spring. This year, there will be lots of pictures 1. in shorts and workout gear doing the Mudder and 2. by well meaning friends thinking I want to freeze my 40th bday on digital (read: facebook) for all to see. 3. For my girls weekend in Savannah.

I will not untag myself this year.

This is going to be painful….really, really painful….I can already feel my gag reflex when anyone mentions tuna, eggs and ranch dressing…..I can not tell my cube mates, they will revolt (see my “pass the” post…) But like getting a root canal, it must be done.

So now comes the struggle to find a replacement for the bong called candy and white bread…..think I’ll be tuning into Dr Drew for some pointers….could you imagine if I was really on drugs? Well I certaintly wouldn’t be blogging you here…..I don’t think they would have wifi in the cardboard box I would be living in on the street…..

Off to corner store…hum….wonder if they have chocolate flavored gum…..

“I can’t move my arms!” Randy, A Christmas Story

Most Sundays in the past, my morning consisted of a large coffee, lots of bacon and the Sunday paper to myself till at least 9 AM.   I found myself this AM not with my hands wrapped around a Grande java, but gripped tightly inside my fleece as I dodged ice islands  on pothole pocked pavement, running with the pack, trying to regulate my breathe in windy 30 degree weather.  This after Friday weight training with really heavy weights, a Sat afternoon 3 mile run and being out till 2AM last nite..

This is mudder training  (Not the 2AM part, that was my bad and I am paying dearly for it…).  As the clock ticks down to T minus under three months now, we are pretty much training everyday.  Either on our own (me, at the gym at my lunch break –  kudos to  Tresseme’s dry shampoo , you have kept me from looking like a homeless person at my desk upon my return) or AM 3 mile walk/ runs by the rest when the kids get on the bus.  Its go time, crunch time….and oooouuuccchhhh time.

As I am writing this I am standing, because once I sit down my legs seize up and I have to literally roll off the chair onto the floor, get on my knees, then stand….and being the hot tub has a frozen ice layer on top of it and is about 30 steps from the door, I am going to have to spend the rest of my night stretching so I can function tomorrow.  Oh and lots and lots of Advil….

Im really hoping my body gets used to the fact  that the new fit me is trying to break through…..and cut me a break soon…cause I don’t think M is going to be ok with me wearing Ode to Ben Gay to bed every nite.

(Insert chorus of “you are really old” from the peanut gallery here….)  I thought 40 was supposed to be the new 30?….if so my ass needs to get with the program  real, real soon…

Aggggggghhhhhh, Please don’t the turn page…. pretty please???

When asked the question, “what was your favorite children’s book?’ people my age might say, (ugh… I just said people my age, next you’ll hear, “in my day”…seriously…) one of the Dr Seuss classics or , say, Where the Wild Things Are ( I hated that book, those creatures freaked me out.) Mine?  The Monster at the End of This Book, starring Grover from Sesame Street.  It starts out with Grover finding out that there will be a monster at the end, and pleading with the reader not to keep turning the pages.  He tries to build a brick wall to keep you on that page, it falls down, and he finally comes to realize as you turn to the end he is the monster at the end of the book, and thanks the reader for making him get past his fears at the end.  ( I hope I didn’t spoil it for anyone who wanted to run out and buy it, get it anyway, its hysterical!) I loved that he was talking just to me, it was written so differently from any I had read before.   I read as much as I can, and a good story stays with me for a long time.

I’m reminded of the furry blue guy today when I think of trying something new that scares me.  Like writing.  I really want to try to write a book, (just go for the brass ring right out of the gate right?) I know hundreds of people try to do it, and most of them fail…and the criticism..*shudder* Im not sure my skin is thick enough…

But while reading Steven Kings book, On Writing,it reminded me that even the greats had to start somewhere.  I think he had some 200 rejections of one of his first stories, and look where he is now.    He also said that his stories just came to him; he would have an experience and start writing a tale in his head related to what he saw or heard.  I have been doing that in my head for as long as I can remember, so maybe I have something here….

So, like Grover at the end, I will try to be brave…..*big sigh*…… I have added the beginning of a story I started in my head here on my blog….its so first draft….So….Tell me what you think, *Yes, I am talking right to you, you sitting at your computer reading this, right now*  I would love any input….and its fine to be real (groan again, who am I Biggie??) I mean, honest, I can take it!!!  I think…..

The big pink elephant in the room? Oh, yeah, that’s no big deal….but the fact that Im acting like a 4 year old….We might want to address that…..

My post are usually about the positive goals I am trying to accomplish before my birthday….and I have for the most part, been working on them without too much angst, ( well, my fat ass would not agree today, the rope workout/training has me leaning on everything, cursing, as I just try to get up out of a seated position.) But there is one, lets say, two slight character flaws I have noticed in myself lately, I really need to work on to get this whole new me in a better place. 

*Drumroll pleze*….One – Whenever someone reminds me to do something I haven’t yet done..my inner bitch just pulls a tantrum…you’ve seen them….red faced preschooler screaming at her parent sprawled out on store floor (usually spinning around) lots of halted words, “but..I..don’t wa..wannnnt…t..tooooohhhhh!”…..yeah… that is what’s going in my head.  Which leads to doing everything I can to avoid doing said request, even if said request is something I need to do or would probably benefit me in the end somehow.   So I guess step one would be figuring out why said repeat request makes me flip out…

Im thinking it’s the tone of the request.  You know the first time you are like, “hey, can you do blah blah blah?” Im fine with that…second time?  If it has just a hint of annoyance, (my lab is a pro at detecting this, If I call him and just a bit annoyed cause, say he was digging up my no  flowers flower bed, he will start running in circles like mad and come no where near the door) …..yeah….so not gonna do it quietly or at all.  Maybe because I already spent most of my day..Im sorry.. all of my day doing things for other people with not much of a thank you…now that I have said it outloud, I’m thinking I’m going to let this one slide….I will just have to throw my fit in private, do when I choose to, deal with the consequences and move on….(AH BUCKET LIST ITEM #1, this is working!!!)

Ok #2..um…not pretty…Im mean in my head for no reason sometimes..ok there I said it….the 14 year old cheerleader in me just whispers…. “God that outfit is so ugly…or oh Mr. I would be saving up for new teeth before eyeing over that leather jacket….all this coming from a chick who needs to lose a shit storm of weight, and doesn’t call her Grandmother….I have to remember to stop being so hard on strangers, though they can’t hear me, I have no idea what their lives are all about to get them to the point I saw them that day….so pom poms, you are going to have to learn to shut it….I think it will make my over all day have a more positive tone, ( is this my Eat Pray Love moment?..IDK…) and hopefully making me feel less negative and there for less stressed out….oh and to be able to deal with all the annoying requests above….and not pull a wet noodle and lose it on the kitchen floor…I feel better already…

What the hell really, is an Old Langs I’m?

Ok…you got me,  Im a slacker this week….my last entry was like a week  ago…but since I wrote my oh so insightful “what Im going to do in the new year” entry last week, Ive moved on prepping  this week for the  actual execution of things that I know I want to accomplish. Doing the things on my bucket list that really matter to me.  Surprisingly, this year,  Im not dreading making some much needed changes.  

Usually say, oh Dec 31^st, at 11:54 PM, I am desperately clutching my last morsel of junk food and large glass of alcohol fretting about the two a day workouts I think Im going to have to do to shave off the holimonth party weight, and dreading sealing my credit cards in a tupperware container full of water and forcing them in the freezer as a part of my “no more spending” freeze…um..literally.    But  since I have already broken up with Wawa for good this time on Sunday ..(Im so sorry baby, I love you, your  lattes, croissant sandwiches and cheese hoagie are amazing… its just me baby.. not you…I just need some… space..in all my jeans, tops etc…) without a relapse, and I have not bought one thing at an after Christmas sale at the outlets…..( I think the president of Banana Republic left me a message yesterday just checking in to see where I have been.) Im not feeling the usual panicky sense of withdrawal and that in itself is a big step forward.  

 Hopefully my writing here (I have started a draft of a story I want to start writing as well) and a big push from the mudder crew to ramp up our workouts….(one crew member is, as we speak, putting ropes in her basement as a part of our training…..if I was a marine I would say OOOO-RAAAH…well, technically I am a marine wife, I did get welcomed to the family with a smack in the ass with a sword on my wedding day under an arch of marines holding said swords, so cool by the way, those guys are the best!…. so OOOO-RAAAH bi-atches!) will keep me busy enough to by pass the candy bar aisle and the clearance rack and reach goals I know I really, really want….so it begins….Happy New Year everyone!!!

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”.. my road to 40?……ummm….apparently its laid out in spanx, five ingredient meals and Triple A

As the end of the year nears and the big day is getting ready to bite me in the *^##….I took a look back at some of my bucket list items I have vowed to start and have written about here.  #7 Writing? –  so far, so good (see, um.. here)….#14 working out?…pretty good, but not perfect (see posts on new gym membership and  the fact I have been logging at least 5 out of 7 day workouts) but #6 going back to Church? ( yep still once a year Catholics) and learning a new skill? ( umm… nope still haven’t found the time to check out a do it yourself tire changing class, if they really exist anyway)….so…Im re-evaluating my list. 

I know I need to get in shape ( the military style obstacle course run 2 days after my bday is coming no matter what, and I don’t want to get run over in the mud pit by filthy loin cloth clad participants, so fear is partically motivating me there), but what about the things I say I want to do, but, um, just don’t?  What is my problem?

So, what do I do next?  Forget the class I really don’t want to go to and just get a  AAA plan in my car, or do I force myself to do it?  I guess I need to really figure out what will make a positive, necessary and meaningful difference for me.   

Funny, the older I get, the more  I thought I would want, but  actually I am weeding out, little by little, much of the crap I thought I needed to be happy….(example one – I love the cleaned out back basement storage space in our house now, that due to the renting of a large dumpster, I miss/ remember none of what was tossed.)  So, no tire changing class, but deep down, I know I need to go back to Church, as the reasons there are still the same, so Jesus you are still in the forefront….

But  list, you are  still getting a new years redo,  to reflect what I really want to accomplish, not what I think I should or what might impress someone else (my inner bitch needs to stay out of this)….hummm….Funny that I finally decided  #1 to be –  Let go, of things I can’t control,stuff that won’t change, things that really don’t mater, and move on…

That reminds me, I’ll post it for the new year…more motivation to be accountable for my own happiness right?

“Sucka headphone!”…or something like that……

The end of the year countdowns are coming on the radio very soon, reminding me to update the old ipod playlist.  There are certain songs that keep hanging around on mine – here’s my top ten I won’t take off….they are totally random.. but yeah that’s to be expected with me..sooo….

Faint – Linkin Park – best.running.song.ever…every time hear the first few chords I swear I can feel my adrenaline kick in…makes me run like Im being chased by the rage zombies in the movie 28 days….and for fun, just try to yell like the lead singer does in the middle of the song…if you are say, 22 or so and under, you will have no problem, but above….yeah bet you can’t, something just holds you back….casualty of getting old I guess – being able to let go and yell like that just once is being added to my bucket list under “do something you feel you can’t, no matter how stupid it feels….”

Take the Skinhead’s Bowling – Love Seed Mama Jump – and..*scene*…. beachside bar, yourself all tan and jumping around singing with a bunch of your favorite tan relatives dancing to a song that makes no sense, people playing volleyball on the beach in the background at sunset, and a really cold beer in your hand….*sigh*  Fun, that’s what this song reminds me of..

Supermassive Black Hole – Muse – Ok, I know this is from the first Twilight movie so its dog years old to teens, but I love it –  when it first came out, E and K said it would be the perfect song to walk into a room too, wearing sunglasses and walking kind of leaning back….play it as a sound track in your head walking into a party where you don’t really know anyone….you will at least feel pretty awesome….

 Please Forgive Me – David Grey – years ago this video when this was playing on the small tv in our small house, M walked by and causally said, “this song reminds me of you”…. One of the lyrics is “feels like lightening running through my veins, every time I look at you” *hands clutched to heart* …enough said…..

1..2..3..- Brittney Spears– just cause its Brittney, Bitch….GOD!

 Heartbreak warfare – John Mayer – wasn’t a big John Mayer fan till I heard this song but I love the echoey, underwatery sound in the beginning and I have to say if he sang that to me and I was Jen, I would take him back….even if was just for a little while…

Timebomb – Beck – two thumbs up to any song that the first time you hear it, the beginning startles the crap out of you….love the chick laughing the middle and the weird rhymy-ness….

Songo – Andre Bocelli – this is the song where you should stand and listen too it, say, at the peak of a trail on a mountain on a beautiful spring day – I want it played at my funeral…so beautiful…its all in Italian, but once I found out what the words were….tears just run down my face when I hear it.  A truly epic song, I can’t believe I haven’t heard it in a dramatic movie soundtrack yet…

Bad Reputation – Joan Jett – my Inner Bitch loves this one…..as she sooo didn’t care what anyone thought of her back in the day….yeah…once a friend said, “you know so and so doesn’t understand why everyone thinks your so hot…” and she went on to say what so and so though of me…yeah… all IB thought was “wait, everyone thinks Im so hot?…hummmmm, awesome” …God Im miss her sometimes!!!!!

Home – Dixie Chicks – A good reminder of even when you trip over your kids crap all on the floor for the 100th time, they roll their eyes at you or your spouse doesn’t always make you feel appreciated, imagine what your life would be like if you chosen different…snaps me right back to why I wouldn’t change any of it….Godspeed is soo good too..now that E will be leaving for college in a few months I can’t even listen to it without choking up…..

Oh… and though its seasonal “Here comes Santa Clause” by Elvis……no explanation…he is the King people!

Merry Christmas fellow music lovers!

Dinner, dishes and fat ass be damned…

The other day I was at the kitchen sink pouring out black olives in a bowl, and swear I got a vivid flashback of my favorite restaurant…..for just an instant, it almost felt like I was standing at the smooth mahogany bar, the polished front portion of a bow of an old ship to my left on the wall as a backdrop for the dimly lit bar, the old brick walls, mortar overflowing the cracks hung with posters of advertisements in Italian on my right, and heavy red velvet curtains up ahead separating the area from the tiny entryway….I don’t remember if I had olives that night, but I do remember how excited I was to be there (Im a huge fan of ambiance, and if you want it, go to Bistro Romano in Philly, magnificent!) Its funny how certain smells, objects, or phrases can actually bring up a memory for me as if I am somehow looking right at it,….happened another time when I went outside and smelled woodsmoke…. I got a flash as if I was standing over the fire cooking on the cast iron pan the last time we went camping….or how some big, fat colored Christmas bulbs on a outdoor tree had me back in my Aunt Flossie’s living room, looking at her antique ornaments that had the colored water that  bubbled inside. 

 Each time it was almost like I feel when I get an unexpected surprise.. takes your breathe away for just a second, really neat…but I also wonder, what was that all about?  Our brains are complex command centers of our every move and thought, and I wonder what each memory was trying to tell me.  Was it just giving me something to smile about, or was it a little reminder of pleasant experience as to prod me to slow down and just enjoy what Im doing, whatever it is?  I don’t know, but Im going for the latter….(well Im so not going to even try to enjoy laundry etc, that is a too big of a stretch..) but since I spend so much of my day stressing about what has to be done, the days become, as a good friend put it, like Groundhog Day and not in a good way.  So, ( I know super corny but whatev) # 3 on the bucket list is stop and smell the roses, or the peonies, or the woodsmoke , and  just be in the moment ).  I have been trying this week to do this, whatever I am doing and it’s a nice change to turn off that panicky stressed out voice in my head..(did you pay that bill?  Why did you eat all that chocolate today fat ass, ughhhhh!!!) and focus and enjoy the moment at hand.

So when Im out walking tonite looking at the  houses decorated for Christmas in the neighborhood with my friend, Im just going to enjoy right where I am at….dinner, dishes and fat ass be damned…

Please pass the salt…and the mashed potatoes, all the leftover pie, the last of the chardonnay, all the candy in the community work candy dish…. and no one gets hurt…..

With the wonderful holiday season upon us (aka the stress filled quest to Griswald up the casa, find a way to rob a bank to afford all the gifts I need, and get enough endless Elf reruns into my week), I decided it would just be the perfect time to go on a diet.  So, right now Im on the limited calorie intake one I made up as I have found that exercise alone ain’t cutting it  (go figure, I can’t believe that  running 3 miles a week  and 2 days a week weight training does not burn off the extra 1000 calories Im still stuffing in my face every day…weird….).   It is the only one that will work for me.  See, I have to still eat what I want, cause if I tell myself I can’t have a certain food, oh… say chocolate, bread, or fabulous Christmas cocktails, apparently I turn into a raving lunatic (just ask my friend at work…she yells across my cubicle at me any time I mention the possibility of starting Atkins again….guess I’m real annoying on it… could be due to the aroma of eggs, tuna and pb combos that waifs to her desk from mine and the fact I throw objects over the grey wall in frustration that maybe just land a  little too close to her face …)

I love food.  I think about it all day long.  It’s just so good.  Everything bagels with smoked salmon and capers to Mickey D’s egg mcmuffin..I love you….  When we go away anywhere, I’m on a hunt for the perfect restaurant to complete my trip, and will discuss restaurants like guys discuss important sports crap.   I guess my obsession is kind of like what Tigers indiscretions were for him…. I can have any variety or kind I want…any amount, any time of day.  Pate?  A 20 min jaunt to special grocery store will get me it…mint choc chip milkshake…mini mart here I come…and the best part is I don’t have to be rich, powerful or skinny to get whatever you are craving…You can just get it with the swipe of the debit card.

So….its totally so not Dr Oz, but I’m going have to budget my calories as the day goes on and deal to keep moving forward to get to the point I’m not cringing at my self in yoga pants and continue on to better shape for the upcoming…(4 months away ahhhh!!!) race…..so if its celery till 5:00 pm so I can have that Candy Cane Martini at happy hour, so be it…. It’s the only way I’m going the get thru the food piles of Christmas time unscathed or risk getting 12 pds heavier (that’s what the morning show said many people gain each holiday, yikes!!!!!)…..maybe in January I can go into food rehab to start the year fresh….maybe I’ll tweet Tiger for some helpful self control suggestions…..